Vicclap fórum téma:Idegen nyelvű viccek

Q: What is the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
A: Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.

Me: He wants to cut his hair because he says he looks emo.
Mom: Like that little, red, fuzzy guy from Sesame Street?

Mom: You did so bad in school the Super Nintendo called to speak to me!
Me: You mean superintendent?
Mom: That’s what I said!

My mom, looking over my shoulder at the computer screen: HOW did she go from a size sixteen to a size six in two weeks?
Me: Oh, it’s just spam, mom.
Mom: She lost all that weight eating spam?!

When the usher noticed a man stretched across three seats in the movie theater, he walked over and whispered "Sorry sir, but you are allowed only one seat." The man moaned but didn't budge. "Sir," the usher said more loudly, "if you don't move, I'll have to call the manager." The man moaned again but stayed where he was. The usher left and returned with the manager, who, after several attempts at dislodging the fellow, called the police. The cop looked at the reclining man and said, "All right, what's your name, joker?" "Joe", he mumbled. "And where are you from, Joe?" Joe responds painfully, "The balcony!"

Eine Schnecke beginnt mitten im Winter damit, eninen Baum zu bestiegen. "Was willst du denn mitten im Winter auf dem Kirschbaum?"-fragt der Vogel Ÿberrascht. "Kirschen essen."-"Aber es sind noch gar keine dran"-"Wenn ich oben bin, schon!"

- What's up?
- The direction away from the center of gravity of a celestial object.

What does a person wear while drinking tea?

A T-shirt.

*
How do you call your meat when you screw up cooking it?
Miss steak.

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Two friends’ meeting:
- What’s up?
- The sky.

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What does a miner say in front of his office?

That’s mine.

*
I'm wearing a red tie at the moment, so I'm tired (tie red).

Opinions are like orgasms.
Mine's more important and I don't give a fuck if she has one.

I just saw a woman getting into a car the wrong way.
Through the driver's door.

I'm a woman, and I'm tired of you all claiming that men are smarter than women.
My husband has finally proven you all wrong.
He texted me just before - "Jane my little blonde bunny I cannot wait to have a night of loving tonight! Hope you're ready for the best sex you've ever had ;). xxx"
What an idiot. First of all, my name is Sarah, secondly I'm brunette, and thirdly he's away at a conference tonight!

I am 17 and still have not had my first period. My sister had hers when she was 14. Does it just take longer since i'm a boy?

I just sat at a Stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. I need TO STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT!

You know you're really drunk if you can't lie on the floor without holding on.

http://www.nochucknorris.com/

néhány gondolat:

When you are feeling down


1. If you want your dreams to come true, don't oversleep.

2. The smallest good deed is better than the grandest intention.

3. Of all the things you wear, your expression is the most important.

4. The best vitamin for making friends....B1.

5. The 10 commandments are not multiple choices.

6. The happiness of your life depends on the quality of your thoughts.

7. Minds are like parachutes...they function only when open.

8. Ideas won't work unless YOU do.

9. One thing you can't recycle is wasted time.

10. One who lacks the courage to start has already finished.

11. The heaviest thing to carry is a grudge.

12. Don't learn safety rules by accident.

13. We lie the loudest when we lie to ourselves.

14. Jumping to conclusions can be bad exercise.

15. A turtle makes progress when it sticks its head out.

16. One thing you can give and still keep ...is your word.

17. A friend walks in when everyone else walks out.

18. The pursuit of happiness is: the chase of a lifetime!

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to commit suicide, is that considered a hostage crisis?

The physician writing out a prescription for his hypertensive cardiac patient: “Diazepam 5mg (tranquilizer) TDS".

The patient’s wife asks, "Doctor, when are these medicines to be given?"

Doctor: "These are to be taken by you. He needs rest"

A man walks pass a beggar on the corner of the street where he works. The beggar holds out his one hand and the man drops a coin into his hand. One day the man walks pass the beggar again and notices the beggar is holding hold out both his hands. He asks: “Why are you holding out both of your hands?” The beggar replied, "You see sir, business is going so well I decided to open another branch".

While visiting a friend in the hospital a young man noticed several pretty nurses, each one of them was wearing a pin designed to look like an apple. "What does the pin signify?" he asked one of them. "Oh! Nothing," she said with a chuckle. "We just use it to keep the doctors away."

bash.org:

- sleeping pills are for pussies
- No no no, you take these orally.

Princess Diana es Dodi Al Fayed meghaltak,ugye autobalesetben es felertek a mennyekbe.Dodi kezd dorombolni a kapun: Oh Allah,oh, you misunderstood me! I wanted to fuck Di in the car ,not to die in the fucking car :-)))))))

Erdelyieknek :-)!

Szekely bacsi felul Bukarestben a vonatra.Kerdi tole a roman bacsia de unde veniti?

-Pai am fost la Bucuresti che fata mea a intrat in bilet!(jegybe lepett ),che o fost musai che a fost facuta sus!:-) Chiar i-am zis la femeie:Vai,vai ce rusine,bine ne uitam afara! :-)No, da a fost frumos, am mincat rece sus taiat si cascaval principal de porc si toata seara am chintatasare macara sus pe cer!

:-)))