Vicclap fórum téma:Idegen nyelvű viccek

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Vicclap fórum >> Idegen nyelvű viccek


2010. február 9 07:38:23

#785
nekem8

Csatlakozás időpontja: 2007.09.09
Üzeneteinek száma: 3281

Sergeant (to new recruit): What were you before you joined the army?

New Recruit: Happy, Sergeant.

2010. február 8 14:40:17

#783
NevemTeve

Csatlakozás időpontja: 2007.04.21
Üzeneteinek száma: 6511

The weekend is a bit like my cock.
Not long enough.


Why do Americans love the super bowl so much?
Because they love the idea of taking territory by force.


Yours certainly not

Another joke:

A woman at a department store ask a clerk: Will you help me out, please?

"Certainly, just go through that door" replied the clerk.

2010. február 9 07:33:08

2010. február 8 09:06:41

#782
nekem8

Csatlakozás időpontja: 2007.09.09
Üzeneteinek száma: 3281


Doctor, Doctor I think I am suffering from De-ja vu.

Didn't I see you yesterday?

2010. február 8 08:30:02

#781
nekem8

Csatlakozás időpontja: 2007.09.09
Üzeneteinek száma: 3281

A defendant was asked if he wanted a bench trial or a jury trial. "Jury trial," the defendant replied. "Do you understand the difference?" asked the judge. "Sure," replied the defendant. "That's where twelve ignorant people decide my fate instead of one."

2010. február 5 07:13:59

#780
nekem8

Csatlakozás időpontja: 2007.09.09
Üzeneteinek száma: 3281

A lawyer phoned the governor's mansion shortly after midnight. "I need to talk to the governor, it's an emergency!" exclaimed the lawyer. After some cajoling, the governor's assistant agreed to wake him up. "So, what is it that's so important that it can't wait until morning?" grumbled the governor. "Judge Pierson just died, and I want to take his place," beg the attorney. "Well, it's OK with me if it's OK with the mortuary," replied the governor.

2010. február 2 22:12:13

#779
omrik

Csatlakozás időpontja: 2009.02.23
Üzeneteinek száma: 4171

An elderly widow and widower were dating for about five years. The man finally decided to ask her to marry. She immediately said "yes". The next morning when he awoke, he couldn't remember what her answer was! "Was she happy? I think so, wait, no, she looked at me funny..." After about an hour of trying to remember to no avail he got on the telephone and gave her a call. Embarrassed, he admitted that he didn't remember her answer to the marriage proposal. "Oh", she said, "I'm so glad you called. I remembered saying 'yes' to someone, but I couldn't remember who it was."

2010. február 2 15:16:16

#778
Beni Gepárd

Csatlakozás időpontja: 2008.05.09
Üzeneteinek száma: 3136

(ismerős lehet egyeseknek)
A boy takes his girlfriend home after going out together.
When they reach the front door, he leans against the wall with one hand and says, "Sweetie, why don't you give me a blowjob?"
"What? You're crazy!"
"Don't worry, it will be quick, no problem."
"No!! Someone may see -- a relative, a neighbor..."
"At this time of the night? No one will show up..."
"I've already said No, and NO!"
"Honey, it's just a small blowie...I know you'd like it, too..."
"No! I've said NO!"
"My love... Don't be like that..."
At this moment, the girlfriend's younger sister shows up at the door in her nightgown with her hair totally in disorder. Rubbing her eyes, she says, "Dad says either you have to blow him, I have to blow him, or he will come down and give the guy a blowjob himself, but for God's sake, tell your boyfriend to take his hand off the intercom!"

2010. február 2 15:12:43

#777
Beni Gepárd

Csatlakozás időpontja: 2008.05.09
Üzeneteinek száma: 3136

A man decides to have a face-lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the results. On his way home, he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper.

Before leaving, he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 35," was the reply.

"I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy.

After that, he goes into McDonalds for lunch and asks the clerk the same question.

The reply is, "Oh, you look about 29".

"I am actually 47."

Later, while standing at a bus stop, he asks an old woman the same question.

She replies, "I am 85 years old, and my eyesight is going. But when I was young, there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for 10 minutes, I will be able to tell you your exact age."

As there was no one around, the man thinks, What the hell and lets her slip her hand down his pants.

Ten minutes later, the old lady says, "Okay, it's done. You are 47."

Stunned, the man says, "That was brilliant. How did you do that?"

The old lady replies, "I was behind you at McDonalds."

2010. február 1 22:30:11

#776
szabox

Csatlakozás időpontja: 2006.03.20
Üzeneteinek száma: 1067

HE: I'm a photographer I've been looking for a face like yours!
SHE: I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours

HE: May I have the pleasure of this dance?
SHE: No, I'd like to have some pleasure too !

HE: How did you get to be so beautiful?
SHE: I must have been given your share !

HE: Will you come out with me this Saturday?
SHE: Sorry! I'm having a headache this weekend !

HE: Go on, don't be shy. Ask me out!
SHE: Okay, get out!

HE: I think I could make you very happy
SHE: Why? Are you leaving?

HE: What would you say if I asked u to marry me?
SHE: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time!

HE: Can I have your name?
SHE: Why, don't you already have one?

HE: Shall we go and see a film?
SHE: I've already seen it!

HE: Do you think it was fate that brought us together?
SHE: Nah, it was plain bad luck !

HE: Where have you been all my life?
SHE: Hiding from you.

HE: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
SHE: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.

HE: Is this seat empty?
SHE: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down .

HE: So, what do you do for a living?
SHE: I'm a female impersonator.

HE: Hey baby, what's your sign?
SHE: Do not enter.

2010. január 31 23:34:08

#767
Beni Gepárd

Csatlakozás időpontja: 2008.05.09
Üzeneteinek száma: 3136

(chat quotes)

t0rbad> so there i was in this hallway right
BlackAdder> i believe i speak for all of us when i say...
BlackAdder> WRONG BTICH
BlackAdder> IM SICK OF YOU
BlackAdder> AND YOUR LAME STORIES
BlackAdder> NOBODY HERE THINKS YOURE FUNNY
BlackAdder> NOBODY HERE WANTS TO HEAR YOUR STORIES
BlackAdder> IN FACT
BlackAdder> IF YOU DIED RIGHT NOW
BlackAdder> I DON"T THINK NOBODY WOULD CARE
BlackAdder> SO WHAT DO YOU SAY TO THAT FAG
*** t0rbad sets mode: +b BlackAdder*!*@*.*
*** BlackAdder has been kicked my t0rbad ( )
t0rbad> so there i was in this hallway right
CRCError> right
heartless> Right.
r3v> right

<Cyan> Some dude tried to break in last night at like 2am, but I was on the comp and it's like right beside the window so I heard the faggot.
<Cyan> Anyways, I grabbed the folding chair and as soon as he was like halfway through I beat the fucking shit out of him.
<Cyan> So he's laying here unconscious and I call the cops. Once they get here, they search him and look at what he fucking had:
<Cyan> 8 track tape (unlabeled), Flashlight (no batteries), Half eaten box of Fig Newtons, Measuring tape, Instructions to "Monopoly."
<dan> Dude, you fucking killed McGuyver!

<q> well, not really. i don't like wearing clothes because i really just rather be baked.
<q> and by baked, and mean, naked.
<q> and by "and mean", i mean "i mean"

<zetec> I don't think it's physically possible to both laugh and ejaculate at the same time.
<zetec> But I plan on finding out.
* zetec is away - midget porn.

<nOmAd93-8> oh, I've lost a ke.-button on m. ke.board... which is after "x" and before "z"!!
<68-bbb> there aren't any keys between z and x, dumbass

<mooman> so i saw this number plate on some ricer car today... YAG-108
<mooman> except i saw it in my rear view mirror, so it looked like BOI-GAY
<mooman> i nearly hit the car in front from laughing so hard :/

<Guilty> Oh god I just changed my pw and instantly forgot it

Fekete vipera poww aCC-n néha szokott lenni

2010. február 1 15:26:22

az első nagyonnagy

2010. február 1 15:19:19

2010. január 31 07:24:33

#764
nekem8

Csatlakozás időpontja: 2007.09.09
Üzeneteinek száma: 3281

Ehhez eleg angolul, es nem is szovicc, hanem kis rigmus:

There are more important things than money, but they won´t date you if you don´t have any

2010. január 30 23:42:06

#762
Val

Csatlakozás időpontja: 2007.08.09
Üzeneteinek száma: 1319

Ha valaki szereti az idegen nyelvű szóvicceket, és ért románul (és magyarul is):

egy székelyföldi egyetemista Kolozsváron elkésett előadásról. Lihegve beront a terembe, és mondja a tanárnak:

- Am futut cât am putut dar tot n-am ajuns!


Ez jó. Smiley

(more chat quotes)

< Dtu3ZOhtln> i wonder if assembly programmers felt the same way about c programmers as c programmers feel about python programmers?
< eml> Jealousy?
< astronouth7303> eml++
< jsoftw> then theres the perl programmers who dont even feel

<TECHNOBOY> hý...a s?
<Para||e|> What?!
<TECHNOBOY> speak englýsh*

< zocor> anyone wanna watch a guy jerk off on cam
< zocor> oh shit... wrong channel :/
< zocor> IGNORE THAT PLEASE'

<crispexi> I guess I have to settle for internet pirate. Yarrr, sail the seven ISPs.

<zymurgy> #define NULL NULL /* because I can dammit! */

< relnev> cool, this 8-page pdf has 3 pages intentionally left blank
< relnev> that's like a big waste of e-trees

<Stevus> my pass is 6 letters long
<Stevus> random letters i've memorized ;D
<Dragon_Tear> kewl
<LockeJV|goPadres> it's s-t-e-v-u-s
<Stevus> nah
<Stevus> it's iakeuk
<Stevus> er
<Stevus> fuck

<@kronz> dot <--
<@kronz> wait no
<@kronz> . <-- dot

2010. február 1 16:11:12

...es looool

2010. február 1 10:44:25

lol...

2010. február 1 10:44:09
Val

Ha ez az utóbbi 4-5 évben történt, könnyen az elnökre érthetik

2010. február 1 09:50:58
Val

Smiley

2010. február 1 09:48:33
eol

Egy ismerősöm elveszítette a tengerimalacát. Szaladgált a folyosón, és kérdezgette az embereket: "N-ati vazut un porc marinar?"

2010. február 1 09:05:53
Val

Látom vannak még erdélyiek

Amúgy ennek egy ismerősöm állítólag szemtanúja volt.

Sajnálom hogy a legütősebbel kezdtem, ennek árnyékában a következők már nem annyira durvák:

- egy üveg sör = un geam de bere

- a "tojás", "kettő" és "bárány" szavak nagyon hasonlítanak egymásra, a többes szám meg rémesen elkomplikálja. Hogy kérj két, vagy több tojást az üzletben, főleg ha már előzőleg néhányszor elrontottad és röhögés tárgyává lettél? Kérsz egyet... és kérsz még egyet.

- Hogy kérd meg a pincért, hogy tegye fel a sót az asztalra? "sare masa sus"



2010. január 31 11:40:47

lol

kepzeld el a tanar arcat meg a tobbieket

2010. január 31 07:54:34

Ismerős a vicc. Smiley

2010. január 30 23:54:29

2010. január 28 13:53:55

#759
Beni Gepárd

Csatlakozás időpontja: 2008.05.09
Üzeneteinek száma: 3136

In the Garden of Eden,
as everyone knows,
Lives Adam and Eve,
without any clothes.

In this garden,
were two little leaves,
one covered Adam's,
one covered Eve's.

As the story goes on,
Never the less to say,
the wind came along,
and blew the leaves away.

At the sight,
Adam did stare,
There was Eve's treasure,
All covered with hair.

And wonder came,
Under Eve's eyes,
As Adam's thing,
started to rise.

They found a spot,
that suited them best,
a nice big tree,
where they began to rest.

Her legs spread wider,
and wider apart,
While thrill after thrill,
Came into her heart.

The head of Adam's thing,
Peeked into the hole,
and filled her with passion,
Beyond her control.

Backward and forward,
His thing did slide,
And Eve's treasure,
was all wet inside.

The joy was good,
She wouldn't let loose,
Until Adam's thing,
Was all out of juice.

Then down through the years,
People did screw,
and now it is time,
for me and you.

So pull down your pants,
and lay in the grass,
because I'm in the mood,
for a piece of that ASS!

it's good! IT'S GOOD!

2010. január 28 15:47:04

Smiley WOW...

2010. január 28 14:16:32

2010. január 28 13:47:07

#758
Beni Gepárd

Csatlakozás időpontja: 2008.05.09
Üzeneteinek száma: 3136

The manager was having difficulty with profits and fixed costs, so there was only one solution - more layoffs. But there were only two possibilities - Jack and Mary. This was going to be a hard decision - they were both excellent workers, and equally qualified - but one had to go. He was obviously going to have to interview them both and then decide.

So he called Mary in first. "I'm sorry," he began, "I've got some bad news. I'm going to have to lay you or Jack off."
She looked at him for a moment in silence then replied: "Well, can you jack off, I've got a terrible headache?"

2010. január 28 00:28:11

#756
NevemTeve

Csatlakozás időpontja: 2007.04.21
Üzeneteinek száma: 6511

I'm thinking of buying a dog.
My house has really started to smell lately and I need a way to justify it.


A black african father and his son are travelling from usa to london.
Tthe pilot annouced the fuel is getting low we are going to have to throw the luggage. The luggage was thrown. After a while the pilot announces its not enough they will have to offload passengers and its only fair that its in alphabetical order...
- Are there any africans on board? - no answer.
- Are there any black people on board? - no answer.
- Are there any coloured people on board? - still no answer.
- Are there any dark people? - still nothing.
Then the boys asks: "But Dad... I thought you said we are proud african black coloured dark people?
- Yes my son... but today we are niggers. - replied that Dad .

How many chickens does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None - They're all far too busy crossing the road.

Is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see me?
Bit of both, this is a rape.

Jujj!

2010. január 28 10:36:35

2010. január 27 23:54:19

#754
nekem8

Csatlakozás időpontja: 2007.09.09
Üzeneteinek száma: 3281

An eight-year-old kid says to his dad, “When I grow up, I want to be a musician.”
The dad says, “I am sorry -- can’t have it both ways.”


A saxophone is like a lawsuit.
Everyone is happy when the case is closed.

2010. január 27 21:59:55

#750
Beni Gepárd

Csatlakozás időpontja: 2008.05.09
Üzeneteinek száma: 3136

The priest in a small Irish village loved the cock and ten hens he kept in the hen house behind the church. But one Saturday night the cock went missing! The priest knew that cock fights happened in the village so he started to question his parishioners in church the next morning.

During Mass, he asked the congregation, "Has anybody got a cock?"

All the men stood up.

"No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?"

All the women stood up.

"No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?"

Half the women stood up.

"No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen MY cock?"

All the nuns, three altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up.

ÁÁÁÁÁÁÁÁÁÁ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2010. január 28 00:09:48

2010. január 27 23:15:56

ZZZZZZZ

2010. január 27 22:28:42

2010. január 27 22:13:00

2010. január 27 18:45:05

#749
nekem8

Csatlakozás időpontja: 2007.09.09
Üzeneteinek száma: 3281

How do you make a bandstand?

Take away their chairs

2010. január 27 17:32:17

#748
nekem8

Csatlakozás időpontja: 2007.09.09
Üzeneteinek száma: 3281

Hey buddy. How late does the band play?
About half a beat behind the drummer.

2010. január 27 13:13:43

#747
Beni Gepárd

Csatlakozás időpontja: 2008.05.09
Üzeneteinek száma: 3136

It got crowded in heaven, so, for one day it was decided only to accept people who had really had a bad day on the day they died. St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, "Tell me about the day you died."

The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, and I died."

St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in.

He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. "Well, sir, it was awful," said the second man. "I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!"

St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job.

"Tell me about the day you died?", he said to the third man in line.

"OK, picture this, I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator...."

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