Vicclap fórum téma:Idegen nyelvű viccek

Mary comes home rather late. "Oh, sweetheart," she called, "your car's on Maple Street.

"Why didn't you bring it home?" her husband asked. "Couldn't, " she said. "It's too dark out there to find all the parts.

A Saudi Prince went to Germany to study.

A month later, he sends a letter to his dad saying:"Berlin is wonderful, people are nice and I really like it here,but I'm a bit ashamed to arrive to school with my gold Mercedes when all my teachers travel by train."

Sometime later he gets a letter from his dad with a ten million dollar check saying:"Stop embarrassing us, go and get yourself a train too"!

The economy is so bad that: If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.

“Didn’t you suspect burglars had been in the house when you saw all the drawers pulled out and the contents scattered all over the floor?” asked the policeman.

“No, I just thought my husband had been looking for a clean shirt,” replied the woman.

A manager was soliciting resumes through a recruitment agency to fill in a senior staff member who had just resigned. The next day the recruitment agent came in to meet the manager and beaming he handed over a resume and said, "M'am, we have got just the right person you are looking for. The manager after skimming through the resume was visibly upset. Puzzled, the recruitment agent enquired what the matter was. The manager replied, "This candidate on the resume is the best we've got in our department".

Two kids were deciding what game to play. One said, "Let's play doctor."

"Good idea," said the other. "You operate, and I'll sue."

DEAR LORD, THIS YEAR YOU TOOK MY FAVORITE ACTOR, PATRICK SWAYZIE. YOU TOOK MY FAVORITE ACTRESS, FARAH FAWCETT. YOU TOOK MY FAVORITE SINGER, MICHAEL JACKSON. I JUST WANTED TO LET YOU KNOW, MY FAVORITE PRESIDENT IS BARACK OBAMA. AMEN

:-))))))))))))))))))

The teacher wrote on the blackboard, “I ain’t had no fun all summer.”

“Now Paul,” she said. “What shall I do to correct this?”

“Get a boy friend.” Paul replied.

Labor Pains A married couple went to he hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father.

He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the pain transfer dial to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.

But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine.

The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%.

The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.

The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain.

She and her husband were ecstatic.

When they got home, the mailman was lying dead on their porch.

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa.. 'The

material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us

sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your

stomach lining.. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can

be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the

germs in our drinking water. However, there is one thing that is the

most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone

here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering

for years after eating it?' After several seconds of quiet, a

75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said,

'Wedding Cake.'

hirdetések

There was a student who was desirous of taking admission for a study course.

He was smart enough to get through the written test, a GD and was to appear for the personal interview. Later, as the interview progressed, the interviewer found this boy to be bright since he could answer all the questions correctly. The interviewer got impatient and decided to corner the boy.

"Tell me your choice;" said he to the boy, "What's your choice: I shall either ask you ten easy questions or ONE real difficult. Think well before you make up your mind."

The boy thought for a while and said, "My choice is ONE real difficult question."

"Well, good luck to you, you have made your own choice!" said the man on the opposite side. Tell me: What comes first, Day or Night?"

The boy was jolted first but he waited for a while and said: "It's the DAY, sir."

"How???????" the interviewer was smiling ("At last, I got you!" he said to himself.)

"Sorry sir, you promised me that you will not ask me a SECOND difficult question!"

Admission for the course was thus secured.

A family was having dinner and the little boy said,"Dad I don't like the

holes in the cheese!" Well son, eat the cheese and leave the holes on the

side of the plate.

Earl and Bob, both obsessed with baseball, never missed their favorite team’s game. They promised, whoever died first, and went to heaven, would come back to earth and tell the other if there was baseball in heaven. One day, Earl died. Bob waited for him to come back. Finally Earl did. He said to Bob. "I have good news and bad news. I'll tell you the good news first. There is baseball in heaven." Bob said, "That’s the best news!" Then Earl said, time for the bad news....”You're pitching tomorrow night."

Annak, aki nincs benne a klábban
what is the difference between making love on the seaside and budweiser? nothing, both are fucking close to the water.

Dízel:
http://img.moronail.net/img/6/1/1261.jpg

Mátrix
http://img.moronail.net/img/5/2/2052.jpg

Twillight
http://img.moronail.net/img/9/0/2490.jpg

néhány román Radio Erevan klasszikus:

O femeie din Kamceatka ne întreabă dacă poate rămîne însărcinată dacă bate vîntul. Da, dacă vîntul bate dinspre cazarmă.

Se pot lua 10 ani pentru declararea în Piaţa Roşie că Stalin e cretin?
- Da, deoarece acesta este un secret de stat…

Se poate pune bază pe Nicolae Ceauşescu?
- Da, dar este de preferat să se pună acid.

Cu cine se învecinează URSS? Cu cine vrea!

Sîntem un grup de ascultători fideli ai Radio Erevan şi am dori să aflăm de ce a murit tov.Andropov.
- Stimaţi ascultători, nu ştim exact de ce a murit tov.Andropov, tot ce ştim e că la autopsie a suferit cumplit.

Întrebare la Radio Erevan pe vremea lui Ceauşescu:
- Se poate muri de cancer în gît?
- În principiu da, da' n-are…

Un ascultător întreaba Radio Erevan:
- E adevărat că o femeie care ţine capul pe partea dreaptă în timpul unui raport sexual e o tîrfă?
- Bineînţeles.
- Dar o femeie care ţine capul pe partea stîngă? continuă curios ascultatorul.
- Şi aceasta e tîrfă...
- Dar o femeie care ţine capul drept, este şi ea o tîrfă?
- Da, şi ea e o tîrfă.
- Păi bine... dar cum, toate femeile sînt tîrfe?
- Nuuuu.... În principiu, toate femeile cu cap sînt tîrfe…

Radio Erevan este întrebat:
- Credeti că iaurtul este un remediu împotriva impotenţei?
- În principiu da, dar numai în combinaţie cu ipsosul.

Redneck Dictionary: Medical Terms

Artery – The study of learning how to paint real good.

Bacteria – Back door to cafeteria.

Barium – What doctors do when patients die.

Cesarean Section – A neighborhood in Rome.

Cauterize – Made eye contact with her.

Colic – A sheep dog.

Coma – A punctuation mark.

D & C – Where Washington is.

Enema – Not a friend.

Fester – Quicker than someone else.

Genital – Non-Jewish person.

G.I. Series – World Series of military baseball.

Impotent – Distinguished, well known.

Labor Pain – Getting hurt at work.

Medical Staff – A Doctor’s cane.

Morbid – A higher offer than I bid.

Nitrates – Cheaper than day rates.

Outpatient – A person who has fainted.

Pelvis – .Second cousin to Elvis.

Seizure – Roman emperor.

Terminal Illness – Getting sick at the airport.

Tumor – More than one.

Urine – Opposite of you’re out.

Capitalization is the difference between "I had to help my uncle Jack off a horse..." and "I had to help my uncle jack off a horse..."

Q: Why did the man throw a bucket of water out the window?
A: He wanted to see the waterfall.
Q: Why did the man throw the butter out the window?
A: He wanted to see the butterfly.

Q: Why is number six afraid ?
A: Because seven eight nine (seven ate nine)

Q: What begins with T, ends with T and has T in it?
A: A teapot.

Q: What are the 3 important rings in life?
A: Engagement ring, Wedding ring, and suffering.

Q: What has thirteen hearts but no body and no soul?
A: A pack of playing cards.

Q: Why can't a bicycle stand on its own?
A: Because it's two-tired (too tired)

Q. What's the difference between an aerobics instructor and a
well-mannered professional torturer? A. The torturer would apologize
first.

Q. Why did the aerobics instructor cross the road? A. Someone on the
other side could still walk.

Q. What do aerobics instructors and people who make bacon have in
common? A. They both tear hams into shreds.

Q. How many aerobics instructors does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Four!...Three!...Two!...One!

Q. What do you call an aerobics instructor who doesn't cause pain &
agony? A. Unemployed.

Q. What's the difference between an aerobics instructor and a
dentist? A. A dentist lets you sit down while he hurts you.