Vicclap fórum téma:Idegen nyelvű viccek

One day Mickey Mouse went to look outside his window of a merry christmas eve.

In the snow.. mickey sees that someone has writen something in the snow. It says "Mickey Mouse sucks dick!"

Mickey mouse got really mad and called the cops to investigate. After hours of investigating... an officer approuched mickey.

The officer says.. "Mickey, we got some bad news and some really bad news."
Mickey says "Ill have the bad news first."
The officer then says "Okay... the writing was written by Goofy's urine. And the really bad news is that.... its Minney's handwriting."

NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS FOR BLONDES

1. Wear underwear.
2. Read a book from cover to cover...then read the inside too.
3. Go back to high school to get diploma. Left it in locker.
4. Stop having sex on first date, especially when I pay for dinner.
5. Dump boyfriends who cheat on me with Mom.
6. Dump boyfriends who cheat on me with Dad. Damn homosapiens!
7. Remind myself to get refunds on lottery tickets with incorrect numbers.
8. To advance in my career, remember to kiss boss' butt at work and not the thing in front.
9. Do not laugh at fat people. They may be black.
10. Join abstinence program. A good place to meet guys.
11. Do not offend black people. They may be fat.
12. Do not offend Mexicans without IDs. It's illegal.
13. Stop asking the Postman for my email.
14. Stop confessing at police station. Priest said it was not the same thing.
15. Donate to charity. Nerds need sex too.
16. Use spellchecker when emailing office. Don't want to look stoopid.
17. Be more kind to animals. Only buy fur from companies who let the animals grow it back.
18. Quit smoking to stay thin. Start smoking to look cool.
19. Get debt free. Don't pay for it.

Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse were in divorce court and the judge said to Mickey, "You say here that your wife is crazy."

Mickey replied, "No I didn't, I said she was fucking Goofy."

All of my passwords are "incorrect" so my computer always tells me if I forget.

Bear Grylls once met medusa in ancient Greece, she told him to look into her eyes, Bear Grylls not wanting to back down from a challenge proceeded to look into her eyes.Little did medusa noted that anyone who stares into Bear Grylls eyes gets turned into a block of cheese. Either way he ate her in one mouth full. No one messes with Bear and lives.


Why did the Dinosaur cross the road? Cause he was trying to get away from Bear Grylls who had just ate the chicken two streets away


What do you get when you have Bear Grylls, a drinking straw, and a toothpick? A former S.A.S with a sniper rifle.


The sun rises in the east and sets in the west because Bear Grylls got tired of carrying a compass.


Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer, but Bear Grylls is the only man to know what he taste like.

Bear Grylls dosn't cheat death, he wins fair and square.

In the wild, Bear Grylls eats all kinds of bugs and twigs for the protein. In civilization, he eats spare car parts for the iron.

Whilst fishing with his bare hands, Bear Grylls accidentally won a Fishing Tournament that was being held 2 miles downstream. When awarded with the trophy, Grylls sharpened it on a rock and used it to kill a nearby grisly.

In 2005 he led a team of five British men on the first unassisted crossing of the North Atlantic Arctic Ocean, in an open rigid inflatable boat. Bear Grylls simply tied the boat to a rope around his waist and toed the raft. Icerbergs, sharks, and storms were too afraid to get in his way.


Amongst themselves, lions actually agree that Bear Grylls is the King of the Jungle.


Bear Grylls was the original Sisyphus, except at the first go he got to the top, climbed onto the rock and slapped Zeus in the face.

Ha már tetszést aratott ez a stílus, akkor beküldök még néhányat:

The tachyon leaves. The bartender says: "We don't serve your kind here." A tachyon walks into a bar.

Some helium walks into a bar. The bartender says: "Sorry, we don't serve noble gases here." The helium doesn't react.

Man, entropy ain't what it used to be.

A neutrino walks into a bar. The bartender says "We don't serve your kind here." The neutrino says "I'm just passing through".

- I think I just lost an electron!
- Are you sure?
- Yeah, I'm positive!

18+

I was sitting on the train this morning opposite a really sexy Thai bird.

I thought to myself, "Please don't get an erection. Please don't get an erection."

But she did.

- Where do you get mercury from?

- Hg Wells.

I have blue eyes. I got them from my father.
My mother has black eyes. She also got them from my father.

As it turns out, video didn't kill the radio star. People just misunderstood when the news said the murderer used an entire clip.

The newlyweds are in their honeymoon room and the groom decides to let the bride know where she stands right from the start of the marriage.

He proceeds to take off his trousers and throw them at her. He says, "Put those on."

The bride replies, "I can't wear your trousers."

He replies, "And don't forget that! I will always wear the pants in the family!"

The bride takes off her knickers and throws them at him with the same request, "Try those on!"

He replies,"I can't get into your knickers!"

"And you never bloody will if you don't change your attitude."

Der Beamte kommt zum Arzt und lässt sich untersuchen. Er meint: "In letzter Zeit fühle ich mich wie gerädert!" - "Arbeiten Sie zuviel?" - "Ach, das geht eigentlich, Herr Doktor, vor einem Jahr mussten wir mit Überstunden noch ca. 42 Stunden arbeiten und heute sind es nur noch 37,5 Stunden." - "Sehen Sie", stellt der Doktor die Diagnose, "Ihnen fehlen wahrscheinlich diese 4,5 Stunden Schlaf!"

Nemzetközi turistacsoport megérkezik a világ legnagyobb vízeséséhez:
-Oooh my God, it’s wonderfuuuuul…
-Oooh mein Gott, das ist wuuuuunderbar..
-Gospoooodin, eto priekrasnoooojeee…
-Baaaaazzmmmeeeeeeg, ez kuuurva jó…

A highway patrolman pulled up alongside a speeding car on the freeway. As the officer peered through the driver's window, he was astounded to find that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting. The trooper cranked down his window and yelled to the driver, "Pull over!" at the top of his lungs. "No!" the blonde yelled back, "Scarf!

The supermarket had a sale on boneless chicken breasts. I intended to stock up. At the store, however, I was disappointed to find only a few skimpy prepackaged portions of the poultry, so I complained to the butcher lady.

"Don't worry," she said, "I'll pack some more trays and have them ready for you by the time you finish shopping."

Several aisles later, I heard the lady butcher's voice boom over the public-address system: "Will the gentleman who wanted bigger breasts please meet me at the back of the store."

nemnagyon ismerem ezt a topkiot, lehetmár volt akkor bocs

Girl: Can i get an Apple and a Blackberry for xmas?
Mum: REALLY? OMG IS THAT ALL?!
Girl: Umm.... yeah?
Mum: So i dont have to spend that much on you this year! wow!
Girl: ??????
Xmas day: Girl opens her present.......
Girl: OMG! WTF IS THIS?!

Szabadforrású kódban találtam:


// use these if you are not Kris
void HideMessages( void );
void UnHideMessages( void );
// only to be used by Kris
void DisableMessages( void );
void EnableMessages( void );


/* unused functions, written by Mr. Carter, so don't expect these to work...
....
*/


// How should I know if it works? That's what beta testers are for. I only coded it.


// Reattached tag from the XML! God knows why it wasn't attached when they MADE THAT TAG.

Funny source comments

/*
* OK; before you read the following code know what I am trying to do.
* I needed to get the list of child catagories from the root node so that
* the root node didn't appear in the selection box. But for some stupid
* fucking reason the stupid fucking DBA wont let me access the items using
* indices and I instead have to use their stupid fucking Iterator
* implementation. So there.
*/
$firstList = $this->getRootNode()->getChildren();
foreach ($firstList as $node)
{
$nodes = $node->getChildren();
break; // wtf?
}

// if i ever see this again i'm going to start bringing guns to work

//hack for ie browser (assuming that ie is a browser)

/**
* For the brave souls who get this far: You are the chosen ones,
* the valiant knights of programming who toil away, without rest,
* fixing our most awful code. To you, true saviors, kings of men,
* I say this: never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down,
* never gonna run around and desert you. Never gonna make you cry,
* never gonna say goodbye. Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you.
*/


//
// Dear maintainer:
//
// Once you are done trying to 'optimize' this routine,
// and have realized what a terrible mistake that was,
// please increment the following counter as a warning
// to the next guy:
//
// total_hours_wasted_here = 16
//


// TODO: Fix this. Fix what?


// no comments for you
// it was hard to write
// so it should be hard to read


// I will give you two of my seventy-two virgins if you can fix this.


options.BatchSize = 300; //Madness? THIS IS SPARTA!


// I am not responsible of this code.
// They made me write it, against my will.


//Dear future me. Please forgive me.
//I can't even begin to express how sorry I am.


double penetration; // ouch


# To understand recursion, see the bottom of this file.
At the bottom file:
# To understand recursion, see the top of this file.


//I am not sure why this works but it fixes the problem.


//somedev1 - 6/7/02 Adding temporary tracking of Logic screen
//somedev2 - 5/22/07 Temporary my ass



/*
* You may think you know what the following code does.
* But you dont. Trust me
* Fiddle with me, and youll spend many a sleppless
* night cursing the moment you thought you be clever
* enough to "optimize" the code below.
* Now close this file and go play with something else.


// drunk, fix later


// Magic. Do not touch.


// I dedicate all this code, all my work, to my wife, Darlene, who will
// have to support me and our three children and the dog once it gets
// released into the public


Exception up = new Exception("Something is really wrong.");
throw up; //ha ha


//When I wrote this, only God and I understood that I was doing
//Now, God only knows

Magam olvastam egy fórumon. A HP gyorsulásmérőjéről van szó ami érzékeli ha leejted a laptopot és kikapcsolja a winyót olyankor.

[REQ] HP 3DGuard Driver
I think it would be too cool to set up an API call that made the laptop play a scream when a fall is detected...
Re: [REQ] HP 3DGuard DriverNo need for a new API, the owner already has that capability.......