Vicclap fórum téma:Idegen nyelvű viccek

- On which apple-tree can you find no apples ever?

- On the pineapple tree.

they're good

- Why was the Egyptian child confused?
- ???
- Because his Daddy was a Mummy.

- Why can you never get hungry in the desert?
- ???
- Because you can eat all the sand which is there.

- Why do teachers wear sunglasses?
- ???
- Because students are very bright.

- Why did the boy bring a ladder to school?
- ???
- He thought it was a high school.

A professor at the University of Mississippi was giving a lecture on
'Involuntary Muscular Contractions' to his first year medical students.

Realizing this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided
to lighten the mood slightly. He pointed to a young woman in the front
row and said, 'Do you know what your ass hole is doing while you're
having an orgasm?'

She replied, 'Probably deer hunting with his buddies.'

A deer hunter was out enjoying a nice morning on the marsh when he decide to take a leak.

He walked over to a tree and propped up his shotgun.Just then a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over and discharged shooting him in the genitals.

Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by the doctor, who said, "Well, Sir, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you're going to be okay. The damage was local to your groin. There was very little internal damage and we were able to remove all the buckshot."

"The bad news is that there was some pretty intensive buckshot damage done to your penis.

I'm going to have to refer you to my sister."

"Well, I guess that isn't too bad," the deer hunter replied. Is your sister a plastic surgeon?"

"Not exactly," answered the doctor. "She's a flute player in the Phoenix Symphony. She's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eye."

TRUE STORY:
Outside Bristol Zoo there is a car park for 150 cars and 8 coaches.
There also used to be a very pleasant attendant with a ticket machine charging cars £1 and coaches £5.

This parking attendant worked there for all of 25 years , then one day just didn't turn up for work...

"Ho hum", said Bristol Zoo Management - "better phone up the City Council and get them to send a new
parking attendant" ......

"Err no", said the Council, "that car park is your responsibility" ...

"Err no", said Bristol Zoo Management, "the attendant was employed by the City Council, wasn't he?" .....

"Err NO!"

Sitting in his villa in Spain is a bloke who had been taking daily the car park fees amounting to an estimated
£400 per day at Bristol Zoo for the last 25 years...

italian man who vent to malta

Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica ~ where do they go?

Wonder no more!!!

It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life.

The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintaining a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.

If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into and buried.

The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:

"freeze a jolly good fellow."

Please join!

Halihó! Csatlakozz légyszi Iwiw-en növekvő Vicclap.hu Fun Klub-hoz Te is! Hetente több alkalommal is kapsz kézhez egy csokor viccet/vicces dolgot! )))
http://iwiw.hu/pages/community/comdata.jsp?cID=2335027

A farmer walked into an attorney’s office wanting to file for a divorce. The attorney asked, “May I help you?”

The farmer said, “Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorces.”

The attorney said, “Well do you have any grounds?”

The farmer said, “Yea, I got about 140 acres.” The attorney said, “No, you don’t understand, do you have a case?”

The farmer said, “No, I don’t have a Case, but I have a John Deere.”

The attorney said, “No you don’t understand, I mean do you have a grudge?”

The farmer said, “Yea I got a grudge, that’s where I park my John Deere.”

The attorney said, “No sir, I mean do you have a suit?”

The farmer said, “Yes sir, I got a suit. I wear it to church on Sundays.”

The exasperated attorney said, “Well sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?”

The farmer said, “No sir, we both get up about 4:30.”

Finally, the attorney says, “Okay, let me put it this way. WHY DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE?”

And the farmer says, “Well, I can never have a meaningful conversation with her.”

DEAR DIARY . DAY ONE
All packed for the cruise ship - all my sexiest dresses and make-up.
Really excited.

DEAR DIARY . DAY TWO
Entire day at sea, beautiful and saw whales and dolphins.
Met the Captain today - seems a very nice man.

DEAR DIARY . DAY THREE
At the pool today. Also some shuffle boarding and hit golf balls off the deck.
Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner.
Felt honored and had a wonderful time.
He is very attractive and attentive.

DEAR DIARY . DAY FOUR
Won $800.00 in the ship's casino.
Captain asked me to have dinner with him in his own cabin.
Had a luxurious meal complete with caviar and champagne.
He asked me to stay the night but I declined.
Told him I could not be unfaithful to my husband.

DEAR DIARY . DAY FIVE
Pool again today, got sunburned, went inside to drink at piano bar for rest of day.
Captain saw me, bought me several large drinks.
Really is charming.
Again asked me to visit his cabin for the night.
Again I declined.
He told me if I didn't let him have his way with me, he would sink the ship.
I was shocked.

DEAR DIARY . DAY SIX
Saved 1600 lives today - twice.

A little old lady decides to join the Hell’s Angels motorcycle gang. So one day she knocks on their clubhouse
entrance. A big, hairy, bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms pokes his head round the door. "I want to
join your club," she says. Amused, the biker humours her, claiming she need to meet certain requirements to be
part of their gang. "Do you have a motorcycle?" he says. "Yup,"" she replies. "It’s parked right over there."
Both of them look round to see a flamed, black Harley chopper in the driveway. "Do you drink?" he continues.
"Oh yes, like a fish," she says. "I’ll drink any man in you club under the table." "Do you smoke?" "Smoke?" she
hoots. "Damn right I smoke. I smoke like a chimney. In fact I smoke three packs a day, as well as three joints,
and a couple of cigars in the evening, just before I raise hell on the pool table." "Wow," says the biker,
impressed. "You sound like one bad momma. But tell me: have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?" "Nope" says
the old lady, "but I’ve been swung round by the nipples a few times."

The first testicular guard (a Cup) was used in baseball in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1934.

It took 60 years for men to realize that the brain is also important

Life lessons

[1] Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving.

[2] Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.

[3] Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband!

[4] I believe we should all pay our tax with a smile. I tried - but they wanted cash.

[5] A child's greatest period of growth is the month after you've purchased new school uniforms.

[6] Don't feel bad. A lot of people have no talent.

[7] Don't marry the person you want to live with, marry the one you cannot live without, but whatever you do, you'll regret it later.

[8] You can't buy love, but you pay heavily for it.

[9] Bad officials are elected by good citizens who do not vote.

[10] Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.

[11] Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she'll take it anyway.

[12] My wife and I always compromise. I admit I'm wrong and she agrees with me.

[13] Those who can't laugh at themselves leave the job to others.

[14] Ladies first. Pretty ladies sooner.

[15] A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.

[16] You're getting old when you enjoy remembering things more than doing them.

[17] It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.

[18] Real friends are the ones who survive transitions between address books.

[19] Saving is the best thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.

[20] Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools talk because they have to say something

[21] They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets to speak!

[22] Man: Is there any way for long life?

Dr: Get married.

Man: Will it help?

Dr: No, but then the thought of long life will never come.

[23]Why do couples hold hands during their wedding? It's a formality just like two boxers shaking hands before the fight begins!

[24]Wife: Darling today is our anniversary, what should we do?

Husband: Let us stand in silence for 2 minutes.

[25]It's funny when people discuss Love Marriage vs Arranged. It's like asking someone, if suicide is better or being murdered.

[26]There is only one perfect child in the world and every mother has it.

[27]There is only one perfect wife in the world and every neighbour has it!