Vicclap fórum téma:Idegen nyelvű viccek

<Cecil> I keep on getting this error, it tells me to press "any" key, where the fuck is the any key?
<A|LOCO> Right between the "jack" and "ass" key

<JohnFlux> There are two kinds of people: 1) those who start arrays with one and 1) those who start them with zero.

Mike: i downloaded a virus to test my current virus protector. guess what, it failed the test

TallyHoTheZebra: i love fire
TallyHoTheZebra: if i could have sex with it, i would

<@LukeB> I haven't even bothered downloading Second Life
<@LukeB> I figure I should get a first one before starting a second

<darw> where did they drop the hiroshima bomb?

<sandnig3r> i shower with a man twice my age

<antisocial_boris> hmm, my code isnt working, i need a break
<hapchi> well, keep in mind it must be inside a while or for loop

(motardo): gay men are more likely to have homosexual sex than straight men

<ChugChug> so like... uhh.. what language do you use?
<LaC> english
<ChugChug> is that like perl?
<LaC> god i hope not

<ckx> i've got nothing against homos
<ckx> as long as they don't fuck me or touch me
<ckx> they're alright
<gb> what if they cum on you
<ckx> that's a grey area

<Kupo> man
<Kupo> Firefox can fuck itself
<DarknessTear> It can? So THAT's what the Firefox logo is doing.

<|Dan|> I don't wanna sound gay or anything.. but.. could I fuck you in the ass?

<Saber> help me
<Saber> I just ate a fortune cookie
<Saber> But I don't remember taking the fortune out

<asdasd> spellig? excuse me asshole...I got a+ in englsih

Not a lot of people know that !


The next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water
temperature isn't just how you like it, think about how things used to
be. Here are some facts about the 1500s:


They used to use urine to tan animal skins, so families used to all pee
in a pot & then once a day it was taken & sold to the tannery.......if
you had to do this to survive you were "Piss Poor"
But worse than that were the really poor folk who couldn't even afford
to buy a pot...........they "didnt have a pot to piss in" and were the
lowest of the low.

Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in
May, and they still smelled pretty good by June. However, since they
were starting to smell . .. . brides carried a bouquet of flowers to
hide the body odor. Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when
getting married.

Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house
had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and
men, then the women and finally the children. Last of all the babies. By
then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence
the saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the Bath water!"

Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood
underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the
cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof. When it
rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall
off the roof. Hence the saying "It's raining cats and dogs."

There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed
a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could mess
up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung
over the top afforded some protection. That's how canopy beds came into
existence.

The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt.
Hence the saying, "Dirt poor." The wealthy had slate floors that would
get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on
floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they added more
thresh until, when you opened the door, it would all start slipping
outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entrance-way. Hence: a thresh
hold.

(Getting quite an education, aren't you?)

In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that
always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things
to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They
would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold
overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes stew had food in
it that had been there for quite a while. Hence the rhyme: Peas porridge
hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old.

Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special.
When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It
was a sign of wealth that a man could, "bring home the bacon." They
would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and
chew the fat.

Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content
caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning
death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years
or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.

Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of
the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or the
upper crust.

Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would
sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days. Someone walking
along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial.
They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the
family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they
would wake up. Hence the custom of holding a wake.

England is old and small and the local folks started running out of
places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the
bones to a bone-house, and reuse the grave. When reopening these
coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the
inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they
would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the
coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would
have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the graveyard shift.) to
listen for the bell; thus, someone could be, saved by the bell or was
considered a dead ringer...

And that's the truth...Now, whoever said History was boring ! ! !

Two aerial antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron". The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."

A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"It's Not Unusual."

Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," said Dolly.
"It's true, no bull!" exclaimed Daisy.

An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy."

I went to the butcher's the other day and I bet him 50 bucks that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.
He said, "No, the steaks are too high."

A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor,
doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

<Arendra> A smiley says a thousand words
<Arendra> :-)
*** Arendra has quit IRC (Excess Flood)

<frenetic> guys how much would 200 mhz usually cost at a store
<frenetic> I am trying to upgrade my 800mhz to 1ghz

<Kemikal> ImMzee: I think I am haveing a heart attack
<Kemikal> ImMzee: hands are numb legs are numb eyes are blurry and heart is raceing
<Kemikal> Kemikal: nah, jess your left arm goes numb when its a heart attack
<Kemikal> Kemikal: your having a stroke
<Kemikal> havent gotten a response from him in 30min now...
<Kemikal> wonder if I should call someone
<DiLATED> lol

<Roladex> i was just talking to some girl about bdsm
<Roladex> turns out she thought it was buddhism

(Arwen`) spell check on the serch engin is so nice

<Aatakinty> afk, im supposed to be sleeping, and i hear my mom walkin around

<r-j> ebay bought paypal for 1.5 billion dollars
<Doh_> wow
<smozoma> i wonder if paypal used ebay to sell themselves to ebay?
<smozoma> and did ebay pay by paypal?
<r-j> lol

* Xian just heard a loud bang out side
<Xian> OMG
<Xian> THe pizza boy hit our car!
<Valv|tuba> WHAT?
<Boko> Is the pizza okay!?!?

<dodge> oh shit, i got icecream on my keyboard
<dodge> shit, now chocolate
<dodge> i should clean it instead of mashing it under the keys

<Apocolypse> you know, id be into this stuff if i was about 15 years younger.... im 13

-!- DuDeR has joined #friends
<DuDeR> i love this channel
<DuDeR> people are so friendly here
<DuDeR> unlike that one channel where the people shout vulgar insults at me usually involving testicles and people with white hair
<T-Z-O> get the fuck outta here you gay ass albino nut sucking bitch

A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off. 'How did this happen?' the emergency room doctor asked her. 'Well, I was trying to commit suicide,' the blonde replied. 'What?' sputtered the doctor. 'You tried to commit suicide by shooting off your finger?' 'No, Silly' the blonde said. 'First I put the gun to my chest, and then I thought, 'I just paid $6,000.00 for these
implants. I'm not shooting myself in the chest.' 'So then?' asked the doctor. 'Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought, 'I just paid $3,000.00 to get my teeth straightened. I'm not shooting myself in the mouth.' 'So then?' 'Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: 'This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the trigger.

jók ezek a chat-dumák.

So, earlier today, I was watching one of my family's cats hitting a cord hanging from our blinds for about 10 minutes or so, and I started thinking 'Jesus, the feckin' stupid animal is so damn easily amused'
And then I realised that.......... I'd been staring at a cat playing with a string for ten minutes.

<War> what's a spectral wolf?
<Herr_apa> It's the Fourier transform of a regular wolf, duh

omgsean123: so anyway, heisenberg is speeding down the street and he gets pulled over by a cop
omgsean123: and the cop is like "do you know how fast you were going?"
omgsean123: and he says "no, but i know exactly where i am!"

why do ultimate beings with perfect wisdom have to be so cryptic all the time?

<Kirkburn> Shouldn't RCs be called Gamma?
<Maldivia> in Microsoft's case: RC = Alpha, Release = Beta, Service Pack 1 = RC, Service Pack 2 = Release

"The waves travel through the electromagnetic field. They were formerly carried by the aether, which was decommissioned in 1897 due to budget cuts." (xkcd)

Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

<Morris> what a dick
<iln> are you looking at gay porn again?

<Mr_Grinch> i just burned my nose hair
<Mr_Grinch> by trying to smell the flame of my lighter

<Andrew> woot
<Andrew> I just used my mastercard for the first time
<Andrew> I'm a man now.
<debian_> what u buy
<Andrew> purse

<Khassaki> HI EVERYBODY!!!!!!!!!!
<Judge-Mental> try pressing the the Caps Lock key
<Khassaki> O THANKS!!! ITS SO MUCH EASIER TO WRITE NOW!!!!!!!
<Judge-Mental> fuck me

<Insomniak`> Stupid fucking Google
<Insomniak`> "The" is a common word, and was not included in your search
<Insomniak`> "Who" is a common word, and was not included in your search

<isd> if I could suck my dick, I would never leave my house

*** Malrothien was kicked by Malrothien (this rooms too ghey for me)
<Mardom> whoa shit
<Mardom> you can kick yourself?
<Mardom> thats deep

<moe_> Hello, can someone answer my question : how can I call a bool function from another function? I am trying if (!Class::function()) { cout << "error\n"; exit(-1); }
<moe_> but it is not working
<moe_> it prints error

<torm_> fuckin gay school tommorow
<Avram`> There is school for that?

<Prtygrrl> what does OMG mean?
<gi> Oh my god.
<Prtygrrl> well escuse me for being a little newbie, mr. oh-im-so-1337.
<gi> What?
<Prtygrrl> you know, you dont have to be so mean. i hope you fall and hurt yourself reallyreally bad.

<techzen> fuck lsd
<techzen> i mean dsl

<fr_gment> Bad grammar makes me [sic].

<Q> i need a remote control, and when you press a button on it, it makes your female friends stop being weird
<Lestat> I have one of those.
<Lestat> It's called a gun.

<Sebas> I want to start a band without drums or bass guitars. We'll call ourselves The Beatless.

<LkTruth1> I am the most intelligence person in this channel.

<HrdwrBoB> alchohol
<HrdwrBoB> is
<HrdwrBoB> teh drink of teh godz
<Fryboy> er
<Fryboy> thought that was necter
<HrdwrBoB> nah
<HrdwrBoB> nectar is for fags

<jaMESG[champ]> you know, i always thought that i kept my desk kinda clean
<jaMESG[champ]> turning the keyboard over and tapping the back of it
<jaMESG[champ]> so much shit falls out of it
<jaMESG[champ]> jesus
<burningpapersun> lol
<burningpapersun> jesus fell out of your keyboard?
<jaMESG[champ]> yeah
<jaMESG[champ]> i kicked that fucker out
<jaMESG[champ]> didn't pay rent
<jaMESG[champ]> just squatted
<jaMESG[champ]> in my keyboard

<Rin> 65 peolpe killed in Canada by guns last year
<Rin> 63 in UK
<Rin> 64 in Australia
<Rin> 11,456 in USA
<Ram> we win!

<Azrel> that was a pain in the ass
<AnalBoy24m> I know the feeling.

<rapty> I'm doing homowork.
<rapty> Err. homework.
<BLiZZ> ROFL.
<rapty> It was a typo. Seriously.

Okay, more quotes. I can't get enough of these quotes.

<headlessj> i dl winrar, and it came in a .rar file

<p> sux when u have a problem so u eat a cup of pudding and then u still have problem

Ps3000: what are you doing tomorrow at 3:45?
SocialistNinja: waking up

<HandyMan> i didnt set tahat
<HandyMan> *say
<HandyMan> *that
<Hyperbyte> *I
<Hyperbyte> *didn't

<Carlton> "listening socket" = 11,100 google hits. "passive socket" = 1,240 google hits.
<Carlton> listening wins.
<Carlton> We should just let Google make all our decisions for us.
<_Bunny> Carlton: "gay" has 65,000,000 hits. "straight" has 14,300.000.

<amit> I DO THIS FOR ALLAH!
<FBI> we have Allah in a secure facility

<BDSChaos> i am hot
<BDSChaos> if I was male I would so be gay with myself
<BDSChaos> wait

<Chebarak> dude where you live?
<Ildefonse> i live in the netherlands
<Chebarak> right
<Chebarak> so where you live ?

<power> so are there really no people here who have the Avril Lavigne CD?
<power> dammit
<power> back to the old fashioned way of pirating
<bored> power, you're going to put on an eye patch and sail the seven seas?

<RuKK> people bitched at me to learn a foreign language so I learned perl

<lh> oh shit
<lh> started pickin my nose
<lh> then realised i got like my webcam on to 7 ppl

<TheThree> your special?
<Mj> you're
<TheThree> sorry my grammer sucks
<Mj> grammar
<TheThree> as dose my spelling
<Mj> does
<TheThree> i give up
<Mj> I

<studdud> what the fuck is wtf

<Night-hen-gayle> I gotta go. There's a dude next to me and he's watching me type, which is sort of starting to creep me out. Yes dude next to me, I mean you.

<werro> damnit :/
<werro> my dad found my porn
<Bob112> So what? I bet my dad knows I have porn.
<werro> but my dad didnt know Im gay :/
<Bob112> Um, like, neither did I
* werro has left #hookerz

A preacher concluded that his church was getting into very serious financial troubles. While checking the church storeroom, he discovered several cartons of new Bibles that had never been opened and distributed.
So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the congregation who would be willing to sell the Bibles door-to-door for $10 each to raise the desperately-needed money for the church.
Jack, Paul and Louie all raised their hands to volunteer for the task.
The minister knew that Jack and Paul earned their living as salesmen and were likely capable of selling some Bibles. But he had serious doubts about Louie who was a local farmer, who had always kept to himself because he was embarrassed by his speech impediment. Poor Louis stuttered badly. But, not wanting to discourage Louis, the minister decided to let him try anyway.
He sent the three of them away with the back seat of their cars stacked with Bibles. He asked them to meet with him and report the results of their door-to-door selling efforts the following Sunday.
Anxious to find out how successful they were, the minister immediately asked Jack, 'Well, Jack, how did you make out selling our Bibles last week?'
Proudly handing the minister an envelope, Jack replied, 'Using my sales prowess, I was able to sell 20 Bibles, and here's the $200 I collected on behalf of the church.'
'Fine job, Jack!' The minister said, vigorously shaking his hand. 'You are indeed a fine salesman and the Church is indebted to you.'
Turning to Paul, 'And Paul, how many Bibles did you sell for the church last week?'
Paul, smiling and sticking out his chest, confidently replied, 'I am a professional salesman. I sold 28 bibles on behalf of the church, and here's $280 I collected.'
The minister responded, 'That's absolutely splendid, Paul. You are truly a professional salesman and the church is indebted to you.'
Apprehensively, the minister turned to Louie and said, 'And Louie, did you manage to sell any Bibles last week?' Louie silently offered the minister a large envelope.
The minister opened it and counted the contents. 'What is this?' the minister exclaimed. 'Louie, there's $3200 in here! Are you suggesting that you sold 320 Bibles for the church, door to door, in just one week?'
Louie just nodded. That's impossible!' both Jack and Paul said in unison. 'We are professional salesmen, yet you claim to have sold 10 times as many Bibles as we could...'
'Yes, this does seem unlikely,' the minister agreed. 'I think you'd better explain how you managed to accomplish this, Louie.'
Louie shrugged. 'I-I-I re-re-really do-do-don't kn-kn-know f-f-f-for sh-sh-sh-sure,' he stammered.
Impatiently, Peter interrupted. 'For crying out loud, Louie, just tell us what you said to them when they answered the door!'
'A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-said wa-wa-was,' Louis replied, 'W-w-w-w-would y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-buy th-th-th-this b-b-b-b-bible F-f-for t-t-ten b-b-b-bucks ---o-o-o-or--- wo-wo-would yo-you j-j-j-just l-like m-m-me t-t-to st-st-stand h-h-here and r-r-r-r-r-read it t-to y-y-you??'

A few more chat quotes:

<trolleyfuck> Hey, nice to meat you
<Caedes> I hope to god that was a typo

<john-lennon-> how much does a new 2004 mustang go for?
<Jonathan`> it goes for about 2 years then falls apart

<ScaryFast> I'd fuck a tree, if it wouldn't run away

<Chelly> What is your biggest fear?
<JasonRene> living long enough to become isolated from anyone who cares about me, and then dying alone.
<Chelly>
<JasonRene> You asked ;)
<Chelly> I know
<Chelly> I was expecting something like spiders.

<SteamedHams> anyway i have a question about the US
<+firehawk> sure man
<SteamedHams> if you drop a watermelon off the empire state building, does it get eaten by negroes before it hits the ground?

<@maddox> hehe.. man, Norton Antivirus sucks. All it does it bog everything down, I clicked on the "optimize my computer" setting and it just uninstalled itself.

[23:07] <feMMey> i leave for europe in 4 days
[23:07] <rys> on purpose?

<goferdude> What's "hockey"?
<zamros> REALLY YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT HOCKEY IS?
<Funk> It's like boxing, except it's on ice and there are teams

<@skold> is this going to be a 'my penis is bigger than yours' conversation? cuz i have a ruler and a camera.

<Haydn> i remember a bird got into our house, it flew into the mirror, just befor it hit the mirror, it tried to dodge its reflection

<chinger> My real name is Thoma
<chinger> s
<LimberDink> Well hello there, Thoma
<LimberDink> s

<B|ack> I hate stupid people
<B|ack> god im so stupid.....

March 4 2003 02:15AM:
<Miro-kun> HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!
<Miro-kun> damn lag.

<Aelfinn> I'm psychic
<Aelfinn> I can predict what will happen in the future
<Gundulf> Yeah, then what am I going to say next?
<Aelfinn> Wrong
<Gundulf> ...touche

<@meiso> he was trying to secure his server and made the root filesystem un-writeable

Tales for adults

Snow White

Snow White saw Pinocchio walking through the woods so she ran up behind him, knocked him flat on his back, and then sat on his face crying, "Lie to me! Lie to me"


Little Red Riding Hood

Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the woods when suddenly the Big Bad Wolf jumped out from behind a tree and, holding a machete to her throat, said, "Red, I'm going to screw your brains out!"

To that, Little Red Riding Hood calmly reached into her picnic basket and pulled out a .44 magnum and pointed it at him and said, "No you're not! “You're going to eat me, just like it says in the book!"


Mickey and Minnie Mouse

Mickey and Minnie Mouse were at court for divorce proceedings.

The judge told Mickey, "Look here Mickey Mouse, I can't grant you a divorce from Minnie!"

Mickey Mouse was stunned and asked, "Why not??!!"

The Judge said, "I've reviewed all the information you gave to the court, but I can't find any evidence at all to support the grounds that she is crazy!"

Mickey Mouse says, "Your Honor! I didn't say she was CRAZY, I said she was f***ing Goofy!”

yourjokes.co.uk

A guy from Kansas dies and is sent to Hell. He had been a horrible man his entire life.
The devil puts him to work breaking up rocks with a sledge hammer. To make it worse, he cranks up the temperature and the humidity.
After a couple of days, the devil checks in on his victim to see if he is suffering adequately. The devil is aghast as the guy from Kansas is happily swinging his hammer and whistling a happy tune.
The devil walks up to him and says, "I don't understand this. I've turned the heat way up, it's humid, you're crushing rocks; why are you so happy?"
The guy from Kansas, with a big smile, looks at the devil and replies, "This is great! It reminds me of August in Kansas. Hot, humid, a good place to work. It reminds me of home. This is fantastic!"
The devil, extremely perplexed, walks away to ponder the remarks of the guy from Kansas. Then he decides to drop the temperature, send down a driving rain and torrential wind. Soon, Hell is a wet, muddy mess.
Walking in mud up to his knees with dust blowing into his eyes, the guy from Kansas is happily slogging through the mud pushing a wheelbarrow full of crushed rocks.
Again, the devil asks how he can be happy in such conditions.
The guy from Kansas replies, "This is great! Just like April in Kansas. It reminds me of working out in the yard with spring planting!"
The devil is now completely baffled but more determined to make the guy from Kansas suffer. He makes the temperature plummet. Suddenly Hell is blanketed in snow and ice. Confident that this will surely make the guy from Kansas unhappy, the devil checks in on him.
He is again aghast at what he sees. The guy from Kansas is dancing, singing, and twirling his sledgehammer as he cavorts in glee.
"How can you be so happy? Don't you know its 40 below zero!?" screams the devil.
Jumping up and down, the guy from Kansas throws a snowball at the devil and yells, "Hell's frozen over! This means the Chiefs won the Super Bowl.”

Click for enlarge!

Some Chat quotes:

<Th3No0b> Im going to be the next hitler
<Th3No0b> Im going to kill all the jews and 1 clown
<RageAgainsttheAmish> why the clown
<Th3No0b> See? no one cares about the jews
<RageAgainsttheAmish> lmao

<JonTG> Man, my penis is so big if I laid it out on a keyboard it'd go all the way from A to Z
<JonTG> wait, shit

<tag> Ouroboros: lets play Pong
<Ouroboros> Ok.
<tag> | .
<Ouroboros> . |
<tag> | .
<Ouroboros> . |
<tag> | .
<Ouroboros> | .
<Ouroboros> Whoops

<Sonium> someone speak python here?
<lucky> HHHHHSSSSSHSSS
<lucky> SSSSS
<Sonium> the programming language

<frank> can you help me install GTA3?
<knightmare> first, shut down all programs you aren't using
frank has quit IRC. (Quit)
<knightmare> ...

<MasterG> .......................................................................................................
<judas> where's pacman when you need him?

Giving Up Wine

I was walking down the street when I was
accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking
homeless woman who asked me for a couple of
dollars for dinner.
I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and
asked,
'If I give you this money, will you buy wine with
it instead of dinner?'
'No, I had to stop drinking years ago', the
homeless woman told me.
'Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying
food?' I asked.
'No, I don't waste time shopping,' the homeless
woman said. 'I need to spend all my time trying
to stay alive.'
'Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of
food?' I asked.
'Are you NUTS!' replied the homeless woman.
I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!'
'Well', I said, 'I'm not going to give you the
money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for
dinner with my husband and me tonight.'
The homeless Woman was shocked. 'Won't your
husband be furious with you for doing that? I know
I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.'
I said, 'That's okay. It's important for him to see
what a woman looks like after she has given up
shopping, hair appointments, and wine.'

Reasons I owe my mother

1. My mother taught me: TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE .
'If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.'

2. My mother taught me: RELIGION.
'You better pray that will come out of the carpet.'

3. My mother taught me: TIME TRAVEL .
'If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!'

4. My mother taught me: LOGIC.
' Because I said so, that's why.'

5. My mother taught me: MORE LOGIC
'If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me.'

6. My mother taught me: FORESIGHT.
'Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident.'

7. My mother taught me: IRONY
'Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about.'

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS .
'Shut your mouth and eat your supper.'

9. My mother taught me: CONTORTIONISM.
'Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!'

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
'You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone.'

11. My mother taught me: WEATHER .
'This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.'

12. My mother taught me: HYPOCRISY.
'If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!'

13. My mother taught me: THE CIRCLE OF LIFE.
'I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.'

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
'Stop acting like your father!'

15. My mother taught me: ENVY.
'There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do.'

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION
'Just wait until we get home.'

17. My mother taught me: RECEIVING
'You are going to get it when you get home!'

18. My mother taught me: MEDICAL SCIENCE.
'If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way.'

19. My mother taught me: ESP.
'Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?'

20. My mother taught me: HUMOUR.
'When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me.'

21. My mother taught me: HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT .
'If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.'

22. My mother taught me: GENETICS.
'I swear you're just like your father.'

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
'Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?'

24. My mother taught me: WISDOM ..
'When you get to be my age, you'll understand.'

25. My MOTHER TAUGHT ME ABOUT JUSTICE
'One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!