Vicclap fórum téma:Idegen nyelvű viccek

Two rednecks were looking at a
Sears catalog and admiring the models.

One says to the other,
'Have you seen the beautiful girls in this catalog?'

The second one replies, 'Yes, they are very beautiful.
And look at the price!'
The first one says, with wide eyes, 'Wow, they aren't very expensive.
At this price, I'm buying one.'
The second one smiles and pats him on the back. 'Good idea! Order one and if she's as beautiful as she is in the catalog, I will get one too.'
Three weeks later, the youngest redneck asks his friend,
'Did you ever receive the girl you ordered from the Sears catalog?'
The second redneck replies......

'No, but it shouldn't be long now.
I got her clothes yesterday

<exx> they're horrible drivers as is, lets not make them kamikaze's
<exx> I bet the jap fighter pilots were trying to land on those ships..

(@ThinG|webbing) how do I zoom in with internet explorer?
(+|Sonic) move your face closer to the screen

(@Gramps) Too sunny to go out today. Reflection off my head starts fires

<rivvah> dude, he's from montana or some shit. 17.50 would buy a new house
<Ouroboros> What's a house?

<Drugdown> Everyone makes mistakes.
<Fleebis> Especially you.

<ZarcyB> i had a dream about irc last night :/
<ZarcyB> in my dream, everyone hated me
<fraggle> it wasnt a dream

<Sam_> yesterday i saw MIB2 and mr. deeds.
<P|CK|E> i saw mib6-4 like, 6-4 weeks ago
<P|CK|E> my two key doesnt work.

<Ac3d> uh oh, i think i just sent a nude pic of me to my friends mom

<shortyz> ugly bitches should wear masks all the time.. or rather paper bags
<`FrEaK> plastic bags... so they cant breath

(Antti): [Receiving] Colorful_-_08.avi (67.3MB) from Uraschlafen at 1B/s, 22% (15.4MB) done, 89wks 6days 7hrs 45mins 28secs remaining

<ANDYHAZARD> i need a file
<kenners> you misspelled "life"

<carkeys> arpad you there?
<Meritt> That's the first time I've seen car keys go looking for their owner.

Egyszer, régebben már beírtam, de nagyon tetszik, így megkapjátok újra, hátha valaki akkor nem olvasta

These are entries to a competition asking for a rhyme with the most romantic first line but least romantic second line:

~Love may be beautiful, love may be blis........ but I only slept with you, because I was pissed
~I thought that I could love no other...... Until, that is, I met your brother
~Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you. .....But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty And so is your head.
~Of loving beauty you float with grace ......If only you could hide your face
~Kind, intelligent, loving and hot .......This describes everything you are not
~I want to feel your sweet embrace .......But don't take that paper bag off of your face
~I love your smile, your face, and your eyes- ............Damn, I'm good at telling lies!
~My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife: ......Marrying you screwed up my life
~I see your face when I am dreaming .......That's why I always wake up screaming
~My love you take my breath away............ What have you stepped in to smell this way?
~My feelings for you no words can tell.......... Except for maybe "go to hell"
~What inspired this amorous rhyme?.......... Two parts vodka, one part lime

That's amoré ...

When the moon hits your eye,
Like a big pizza pie,
That's amoré.

When an eel bites your hand,
And that's not what you planned,
That's a moray.

When our habits are strange,
And our customs deranged,
That's our mores.

When your horse munches straw,
And the bales total four,
That's some more hay.

When Othello's poor wife,
Becomes stabbed with a knife,
That's a Moor, eh?

When a Japanese knight,
Uses his sword in a fight,

That's Samurai.

When your sheep go to graze,
In a damp marshy place,
That's a moor, eh?

When your boat comes home fine,
And you tie up her line,
That's a moor, eh?

When you ace your last tests,
Like you did all the rest,
That's some more "A"s!

When on Mt. Cook you see,
An aborigine,
That's a Maori.

Alley Oop's homeland has,
A space gun with pizzazz,
That's a Moo ray...

A comedian ham,
With the name Amsterdam,
That's a Morey.

When your chocolate graham,

Is with marshmallows crammed,
That s'more, eh.

When there's a great ugly fish,
Right on your dish,
That's John Dory

When you've had quite enough,
Of this dumb rhyming stuff,
That's "No more!", eh?

Jay Leno exclusive (video)

What a deal!

-Two Martini please!

-Dry?

-Nein, zwei!

Ha volt már bocsi

The bank manager was in the final stages of hiring a cashier and was down to two final applicants - one of which would get the job.

The first one interviewed was from a small college in upstate New York. A nice young man, but a bit timid.

Then he called for the second man, "Jim Johnson!"
Up stepped a strapping young man who seemed quite sure of himself.
"He looks like he can take care of any situation," thought the manager, and decided, there and then, to hire him.
He turned to the first applicant and told him he could go and they would let him know.

Turning to Johnson, he said, "Now Jim, I like the way you carry yourself - that's an important asset for the job as cashier. However, you must be precise. I noticed you did not fill out the place on the application where we asked your formal education."
Jim looked a little confused so the manager said,
"Where did you get your financial education?"
"Oh," replied Jim - "Yale."
"That's very good... excellent. You're hired!"
"Now that you're working for us, what do you prefer to be called?"

Jim answered "I don't care... Yim... or Mr Yonson."

Two old
guys were
chatting.....


One said to
the other:
"My
70th birthday was
yesterday. The wife
gave me an SUV".
Other guy
responded: "Wow,
that's amazing!!.....Imagine, an
SUV!!..What a
great gift!"
First guy:
"Yup
!!.... Socks, Underwear and

Viagra!"

Did you ever notice?

When you put the two words

"The" and "IRS" together

it spells "THEIRS"?

• I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
• Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
• The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
• Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.
• Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.

DD

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy three 10p coins to play with to keep him occupied.

Suddenly, the boy starts choking and going blue in the face. The father realises the boy has swallowed the coins and starts slapping him on the back.

The boy coughs up 2 of the 10p's but is still choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee.
At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper, places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant. Reaching the boy, the woman carefully pulls down his pants; takes hold of the boy's' testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly.. tighter and tighter !!!

After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last of the 10p's, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor? "

'No,' the woman replies. I'm with the Inland Revenue..'

A Woman comes home and tells her husband, 'Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone.'
'No more headaches?' the husband asks, 'What happened?'
His wife replies, 'Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat:
'I do not have a headache;
I do not have a headache,
I do not have a headache.'
'It worked! The headaches are all gone.'
'Well, that is wonderful.'
His wife then says, 'You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?'
The husband agrees to try it. Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, 'Don't move, I'll be right back.'
He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.
His wife says, 'Boy, that was wonderful!' The husband says, 'Don't move! I will be right back.'
He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning.
Her husband again says, 'Don't move, I'll be right back.'
With that, he goes back in the bathroom. This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying:
'She's not my wife.
She's not my wife.
She's not my wife!'

Who Said Romance is Dead in Scotland

A drunk and a preacher were driving up a mountainside in different vehicles. The drunk was swerving from side to side; the preacher was driving straight and true. All of a sudden, the preacher lost control and drove off the edge of a cliff. The drunk noticed the preacher going off the edge, so he stopped his car and went to see if he was all right. He noticed the preacher was climbing up the hillside. He yelled down at the preacher, "Are you alright?" And the preacher replied, "Have no fear my son, I had the Lord riding with me." The drunk then yelled back, "You had better let him ride with me next time, cuz your gonna get him killed!"

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18+

One rainy spring night in Belfast, a taxi driver spotted an arm waving from the shadows of an alley.

Even before he rolled to a stop at the curb, a figure leaped into the cab and slammed the door. Checking
his rear view mirror as he pulled away, he was startled to see a dripping wet, naked woman sitting in the back seat.

'Where to?' he stammered.

'Vale Road,' answered the woman.

'OK,' he said, taking another long glance in the mirror.

The woman caught him staring at her and asked, 'Just what the hell are you looking at?'

'Well lady ', replied the driver, 'I noticed that you're completely naked, and I was just wondering how you'll pay your fare.'

The woman spread her legs, put her feet up on the front seat, smiled at the driver and said, 'Does THIS answer your question?'

Still looking in the mirror, the cabbie asked, 'Got anything smaller?

<NimF> The lesbians next door bought me a rolex for my birthday.

<NimF> I think they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch...

<Logix> You know you watch too much porn, when you see a pussy and instantly know it's an asian pussy.

<Joule> I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.

<a_passerby> vmware should really sell t-shirts
<a_passerby> they could call it vmwear

<@baka> anyone here ever eaten sushi off a naked woman?
<Sloshed> no thanks
<@baka> i'm intrigued
<@Sadrak> I'd volunteer to do the dishes

SeanieG123: So the other day i was hangin out with some friends and i told them about this dream i had.
SeanieG123: It was a weird dream, and they all agreed and told me there was something wrong with me.
SeanieG123: Anyway, so then my black friend, brandyn, looks at me funny.
SeanieG123: So jokingly, I say to him, "what's wrong? don't you dream when you sleep?"
SeanieG123: He looks at me dead in the eye and says, "hell naw! last nigga who had a dream got shot!"

<+FHC_> why is it guns are legal in america but a school shooter will miss most of his targets, but guns illegal in germany and the fuckers hit everything they aim at
<@Sauce> american kids know how to strafe