Vicclap fórum téma:Idegen nyelvű viccek

A man takes his hamster to the vet, and after a short look at the creature the vet pronounces it dead. Not happy with the vet's diagnosis the man asks for a second opinion. The vet gives a whistle and in strolls a Labrador dog. The dog nudges the hamster around with its nose and sniffs it a couple of times before shaking his head. "There" says the vet,” Your hamster is dead". Still not happy the man asks for a third opinion. The vet opens the back door and in bounds a cat. The cat jumps onto the table and looks the hamster up and down for a few minutes before looking up and shaking it's head. "It's definitely dead sir", says the vet. Convinced, the man enquires how much he owes. "That will be Ł1000, please". "A Ł1000 just to tell me my hamster is dead" fumes the man. "Well", says the vet, "There's my diagnosis, the lab report and the cat scan".

No es lo mismo me río en el baño que me baño en el río.

-------

Un señor entra en un bar y le dice al camarero:

- ¿Me puede traer una tortilla?

- ¿Francesa o española?

- Me da igual, no voy a hablar con ella.

A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. "There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.... Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."

The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"

"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.

My car is so fast the payments are three months behind.

nem nagyon olvasom a topikot, lehet volt már...

-Do you speak English?
-Yes!
-Name?
-Abdul al-Rhazib.
-Sex?
-Three to five times a week.
-No, no…I mean male or female?
-Yes, male, female, sometimes camel.
-Holy cow!
-Yes, cow, sheep, animals in general.
-But isn’t that hostile?
-Horse style, doggy style, any style!
-Oh dear!
-No, no! Deer run too fast…

Larry was startled to see the nonchalant way Jason was taking the fact that his girlfriend was seen with another man. “You said you loved her and yet you saw her with another man and you didn’t knock the guy down?”

“I’m waiting.”

“Waiting for what?” asked Larry

“Waiting to catch her with a smaller feller.”

Harry asked his wife: Did your leave a tip for the boy who delivers our paper?

His wife replies: Yes, dear. I put some of it in the bushes, some of it on the roof, and some of it in the front yard.

You have heard it said that it is the thought that counts. Well, when your wife is involved it is NOT the thought that counts, it is HER thought that counts.

I’m going to buy a farm two miles long and half inch wide said Jed.

What would you grow on a farm that size, asked Roger.

Spaghetti, said Jed.

Selling at an auction was halted when the auctioneer announced, “Someone in the room has lost his wallet containing $2,000. He is offering a reward of $500.00 for its immediate return.” After a moment of silence, there was a call from the back of the room, “$550.00”

Real world: The cat has four legs.
Wikipedia: Some claim that the so-called "cat" might have as many as four "legs" [citation needed][original research].

18+

A family of prostitutes are talking.

The daughter says, "I got £50 for a blow job today".

The mother says, "In my day it was £5".

The grandmother says, "In my day we were just glad for the warm drink".

a főoldalon volt ez a vicc, magyarul. de "valamiért" úgy érzem hogy ereditleg angolul lehetett... így:

- This new cemetery is very popular.

- What makes you think that?

- I heard people are dying to get there

I took this personality test on the internet, and it said... "Describe yourself in one word."

I answered, "Not good at following instructions."

18+

On the eve of our anniversary my wife and I agreed that whoever woke up first in the morning should wake the other one with oral sex.

Come the morning I was up first so I slowly pulled back the covers...

... and stuck my cock in her mouth.

God created Adam and said, "I have given you everything you could ever want. Is there anything else you would like?"

Adam replied, "I would like a sandwich," to which God created Eve.

The millionaire was arrested for speeding and brought before the judge in a small community. When the judge offered him the alternative of paying a $10 fine or serving ten days in jail the millionaire decided to take the ten days. “But, my good man, you are wealthy,” said the judge, amazement ringing his face. “Why you should prefer ten days in jail to paying a $10 fine is beyond me.” “It’s like this, Judge,” the man explained. “Our chef left and my wife figures it’ll take that long to find a new one.”

While living in Denver the weatherman said, expect 10 to 12 inches of snow tonight so park on the right side of the road so we can plow the left side. Willie’s wife ran out and parked on the right side. The next week the forecast called for another 10 to 12 inches of snow, but this time he said park on the left side. So Willie’s wife ran out and parked the car on the left side of the road. The following week he said 16 inches of snow expected park, the lights went out and all our power was lost. Willie’s wife said, my goodness, now I don’t know where to park the car. “Why don’t you just leave it in the garage!” Willie said.

At a BBQ a couple was chatting with some guests when the marriage counseling topic came up. The wife very pompous commented; “Oh we’ll never need that. My husband and I have an excellent relationship.” “My husband was a communications major in college and I majored in theater arts. He communicates real well and I just act like I am listening.”

The farmer met his kin at the railroad station. “Uncle, I’m mighty glad to see you, he greeted. “That crate of chickens you sent me bust open just as I was going to take ‘em out and they ran all over the place. I chase ‘em through my neighbor’s yard and only got back eleven.” “You did okay,” said uncle. “I only sent you six.”